I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
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I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
This squirrel eats better than I do
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Smells like a challenge to me