I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
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Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road