I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
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Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.