I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
You Might Also Like
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
OH. COME. ON.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.