I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
You Might Also Like
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Who does Amazon think I am?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.