I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
You Might Also Like
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago