I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
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*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Autocorrect is my menesis
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.