I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
💀💀
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.