@Reverend_Scott *calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
@enigmaterics I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
You Might Also Like
@Reverend_Scott 
@Heatinblack [Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
@Jennifergr8 Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
@JohnLyonTweets Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
@Girl15Gone Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
@TragicAllyHere I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
@Burger_Time_ ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
@primawesome If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
@thenoahkinsey Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
@RidiculousSheri WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT