I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
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Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Brands during Pride
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.