I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.

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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.


I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am


I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.


me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna


Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.


Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that


Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?


A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
& sadly trots away


I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.