I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
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A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.