I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
You Might Also Like
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
How dramatic are you?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Okey dokey.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name