I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
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I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
From my Mom