I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
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Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
This squirrel eats better than I do
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.