I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
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bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
What if the weather talks about us?