I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
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“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”