I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
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Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
🤣🤣🤣
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
This was the best day of my life
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg