I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
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The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.