I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
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Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry