I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
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If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Finally!
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”