I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
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I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL