I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit