I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
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A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
The Others (2001)
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.