I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Time heals everything 🙂
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
#Caturday
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher