I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Geez man, take it easy.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
The internet is full of many things
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks