I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My Guy
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.