I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”