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I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day