I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.


Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.


“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome


I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there


[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*


Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake


how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day


Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist


My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.


Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.