@Jake_Vig You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
@JefeJK47 I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
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@Jake_Vig 
@Dad_At_Law Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
@wag____ “What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
@abbycohenwl I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
@rockymomax [my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
@internetluke Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
@MILFWEEED how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
@Tobi_Is_Fab Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
@AnniemuMary My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
@heatherlou_ Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.