I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
You Might Also Like
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.