@JefeJK47

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

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@Jake_Vig

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

@Dad_At_Law

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

@wag____

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

@abbycohenwl

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

@rockymomax

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

@internetluke

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

@MILFWEEED

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

@Tobi_Is_Fab

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

@AnniemuMary

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

@heatherlou_

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.