I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
When you kidnap a writer.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.