I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

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Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…


Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…


YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine


There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.


Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.


I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.


I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics


It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”