I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
road rage
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.