I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Donkey Kong sommelier
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom