@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
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Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I am, perchance
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!