@EndhooS

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

You Might Also Like

@tarashoe

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

@smnthblk

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

@abhorrent_wife

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

@Rrrocambolesco

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

@UnFitz

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

@JohnLyonTweets

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

@

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

@dafloydsta

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY