@EndhooS

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

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@UnfilteredMama

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

@Tbone7219

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

@hopiecan

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

@mdob11

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

@joejwest

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

@KalvinMacleod

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

@70Ceeks

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

@nowayraghav

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.