[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Damn he played himself
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Oh. My. God.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.