birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
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*puts baby powder in a crib*
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY