Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
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I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Me trying to look natural in photos
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me, reading some of your tweets
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.