Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
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Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.