[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
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Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
pls suprot
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.