Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
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ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Sharon I have some bad news
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman