Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
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‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them