Jail
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when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”