[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree