[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Maths meets science
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey