Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
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First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
technically true but not a great slogan
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister