Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
You Might Also Like
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott