James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.