James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
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How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
handsome & gretel
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
What’s so funny?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Cool shirt 🙂
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it