James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
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What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days