James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

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Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana


Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.


[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.


dracula: *bites neck*

me: oh, I should probably warn you-

dracula: *dies*

me: i am 50% garlic bread


Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?


It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day


Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?


My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.


Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room


ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?