JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
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They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Spider-cat: No One Home
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.