james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
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i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me, reading some of your tweets
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My safe word is Worcestershire