Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
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I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled