Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
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*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
How to make infinite energy.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”