[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
You Might Also Like
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
What an awful time to have common sense.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development